cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
