At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
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