I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
