I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Your shirt... Was in my pants
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
