Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
