i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
