pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
