A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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