Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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