What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
