I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
