Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
