I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
