dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
