Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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