I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
