I wish I could teleport
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
