the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
