Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
