Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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