i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
