Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
