when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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