the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
