I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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