and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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