I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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