so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
