you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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