Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
