eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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