My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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