there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
