i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
