Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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