bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
