Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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