Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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