My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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