and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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