the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The air taste purple.
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