just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
