does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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