the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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