I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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