Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
