So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
