I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I love you. Go after that dick
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
