was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
