did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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